Social Networking: The Death of Society?

In my previous post Girl. 24. Missing. Can you Help? I commented upon how social networking is making people more isolated than ever before. I have just come across a brilliant article by Joe Robinson called Is Social Networking Destroying Our Social Lives? which discusses this very issue.


Human beings by their very nature are social creatures. Robinson states 'Our core psychological need for "relatedness," say researchers, mandates that we have close relationships with others.' This is what I often refer to as the human touch. It is a primal need for humans to bond and come together. It seems in the digital age as we move towards more online interaction people are forgetting how to relate to each other in real life. The danger of losing the human touch is losing the 'relatedness' that we as humans share. Robinson quotes 'more social isolation feeds less empathy and fewer social skills. We get so used to dealing with people via e-mail or online that we forget how to function around live humans.' This quote perfectly sums up the way I feel about social networking, and how in fact it is killing our social skills. A lot of people now forget what it is to be a friend, or have a lot of trouble in social situations as they have forgotten how to interact with people face-to-face. 


Living in London people often discuss how hard it is to meet new friends. I find the best way is to undertake some sort of activity you enjoy. Not only are you gaining new skills and having fun but also socialising without possibly even noticing it. Robinson's article discusses how because we have a need for bonds with other humans that we partake in recreational or social activities. I myself take dance classes three times a week. There are many reasons I love the class; the music, dance itself, fitness. But it is also the sense of community in the class. All of the regulars speak and often meet up outside of class. We all instantly have a connection because we all love dance and the music of Michael Jackson (what the class is all about!). By having a common interest it makes it easy to be sociable. I also feel for me it is nice to go somewhere and still be able to have that human connection. London can be a lonely place as people all bustle about in their own lives, never stopping to look around and take in what is happen. If you travel on the London underground take a look at how many people are sat with headphones on and reading books or newspaper (myself included). There is not even an option of being social with strangers on the tube as everyone is actively cutting themselves off from what is happening around them. So this means people certainly won't stop and converse with a stranger! But by partaking in a hobby or activity you get a sense of community that is lacking everywhere else.


I think the need for this human connection is apparent when we look at the behaviours of my dance class mates and I. Many of my class mates have made it clear in their workplace that on Monday's and Wednesday's they need to leave early as they have a 'commitment'. Some people have even taken a days holiday leave so they can attend a class! I myself now only look for work where I can have flexible hours and can leave early on Monday's and Wednesday. This show just how important this hobby is, and I feel it is due to much more than just the activity itself.


I also think that the alteration in working practices (such a longer hours, more pressure et cetera)  has an affect on our social lives. But only if you let them. A lot of my friends, and myself on occasion, fall into the trap that as you are spending most of your week working that you can not make time to see anyone on a weekday and maybe not even the weekend's as you are trying to rest from work or plan for the working week ahead. Robinson states 'There's always time, if you make the time and lose the stranglehold of time urgency -- the false emergency that would have you believe you're too busy to live.' This phrase 'time urgency' really struck a cord with me, as this is something that I come face to face with often with some of my friends. Now I should point out that most of my friends have a great work / life balance that they actively maintain. Once they clock off work they stop working (and thinking about work) and then feed with soul with cultural or social events. I think this is such an important balance to have, or else you can not maintain a healthy mental framework. Robinson says in his article 'People who are content with their social lives are happier and healthier.' And as I say a hundred times a week when you are on your deathbed you do no think about all the great spreadsheets you did. You think about great experiences you had. And I bet none of them are work related. 


As the saying goes 'you can sleep when you are dead' so make the most of now and make time for the people in your lives! You will gain so much more by socialising in the long run even if you get a little less sleep. 


And modern friendship just seems a bit lazy. People aren't so bothered about texting back a friend or phoning them for a catch up as the most probably have an idea of what is happening in the persons life due to their Facebook updates.

A postcard I read recently sums it up

"Our effortless friendship fits perfectly with my laziness"

I often feel that I am the odd one out as I seem to be the only person I know who is bothered by the lack of human contact I have with a lot of friends. But I think the above quote might have hit the nail on the head. Maybe my friends think our friendship is effortless as they know what I am up to as they have read my status. So what is the need to phone or meet up to discuss what is happening? 

The beauty of social networking is that it enables you to feel as if you are engaging with your peers without having to do anything. The key word in the previous sentence is 'feel'. Although there is the impression that you are connected with your friends because you know what is going on in their lives as you have read about it online in fact you are simply a 21st Century online voyeur. Taking a peek into other people's lives whilst remaining hidden and viewing unnoticed. If you were to participate in online behaviour in real life it would go something like this. You would find the friend you want to check up on. Find out where they are (possibly by where they have checked in on on Facebook or by their status) You would then follow them around all day without making yourself known, just observing what they are up to. You'd eventually follow the person home and watch through the window on their house to see what is going on in their lives. Never once do you make yourself known. If you did this you are essentially a stalker and would be arrested. 


I think this example goes to show that although real life can somewhat be replicated on social networking sites, but the reverse is that behaviour on social networking sites can not be replicated in the real world. By partaking in online friendships is not the same as having a real friendship. We need to remember what it means to be human and the 'relatedness' that connects all of us. Society has already changed so that the way we now maintain friendships online is the norm. But call me old fashioned but I would much prefer some face-to-face space with my friends any day of the week. 

To surmise I would like to expand on a point Robinson makes. 'Clicking is so much easier, but it's the participation that satisfies your core self-determination needs. Friends, optimal moments, elation, exhilaration -- it's all there for us when we step out of the sedentary box and into the center of life fully lived.' Simply knowing a fact is not the same as participating in the event. Imagine if every big event in your life was merely recorded online. No one actually celebrates, commiserates, consoles or cajoles you face-to-face. What sort of existence is that? My fear is that we as humans are now existing online but not actually living in the real world. Life's rich tapestry is woven by the events in your life. Unless we participate in life then what are we doing by merely existing? There is a difference between living and being alive. And the way we can tell the difference is by how we engage with others. 

"If the lives of men can be measured in terms of years, ideologies in decades, and nations in centuries, then the unit measuring civilizations, born of the interaction among peoples, would be the millennium". - Abdelaziz Bouteflika

  

Girl. 24. Missing. Can you help?

At the end of 2010 a tragic story was to become the top of the news headlines. Joanna Yeates, a young, pretty, successful young woman from Bristol, was murdered and her body not found until over a week later. What really struck me about this story was the fact that the last time she was seen was on Friday night and no one noticed she was missing until Sunday evening. It really got me thinking about how isolated people's existences are in the modern age and also of my own situation.

Joanna's story got me thinking. If something were to happen to me I think it would be about a week before anyone would notice anything was strange and to take action. I do not include my family in this. My mum would have started worrying after not hearing from me in a few days. But I now realise that my mum does not have any contact numbers for anyone I know in London. As I am a freelance worker and always changing workplaces she doesn't have my work number either. Hell even I don't know my work number! If she were worried who could she contact?

The first people to notice anything would be my employers. I think at first they would be annoyed at me missing work but probably after a day or two would worry if I hadn't got in contact. It is quite sad to think the first people to notice things are wrong would be my employer, the people that you have the least connection to.

I think my friends would take a week before they thought something was wrong. If something were to happen to me on a Friday night my flatmate would probably assume that I had gone away for the weekend so wouldn't worry. And sometimes in the week we don't see each other, as it can be like ships passing in the night, so probably still wouldn't think anything was too unusual.

I undertake dance classes three times a week. I think if I missed one lesson people wouldn't think too much of it. If I missed two they might post a message on my Facebook wall to see why I missed class. I don't think until they hadn't heard or seen from me in maybe a week or so that they would actually start to think something was amiss.

My other friends mostly contract me via Facebook. I think if they had noticed I hadn't have any activity on Facebook in a few days they would text to see if I was OK. If they didn't hear back they would probably think I was busy and then not think about it for a few days. I think only after those days would they then start to worry.

Of course we can not forget that people have their own lives. I hold friendship in high esteem and it was interesting discussing this topic with friends as they made it clear that their priorities lie else where. It got me thinking that back in the day you went from your family home to your marital home so you always had someone looking out for you. Now we have so many opportunities and a lot of independence. For people who choose to take advantage of this, who often then have a time in their life where they will live on their own or flatshare and quite possibly in a city away from their families, who is looking out for these people? They say your friends are the family you choose. Yet most of my friends have said that this is not the case for them. They love spending time with their friends but their family is their partner or they are married to their work. Friends come second.

But when did we stop caring about friends so much? I have always looked out for my friends and if I did not hear from them in a day or two I would contact they just to check everything was OK. It really got me thinking that if something were to happen to me who would notice?

I think overall this shows the time we live in. Social networking and the Internet have made us all the masters of our own universes. We control what people see and know and can create any image of ourselves. We then control who can access this information and how much they can know. And we are all so busy maintaining this universe that we forget to live in the real world.

I think it is ironic that it is called social networking because in fact it is quite the opposite. People are less social. How often do you communicate to friends not via the Internet?

When I discussed with with a few friends they said that they would notice if I hadn't been on Facebook for a few days. Gone are the days when people text each other, or heaven forbid even spoke on the phone. I remember when society was complaining about the lack of face-to-face time people now have due to texting. Now texting would be seen as a blessing!

We are all becoming islands and instead of new technology bringing people together it is making us all more isolated than ever. It should never be the case that it takes days for people to realise a friend is missing or in trouble. How sad it is that we live in a society where someone can have been murdered and be lying in a ditch in the snow for 2 days before someone even realises she is missing?

I hope that if only one positive thing can come out of the sad case of Joanna Yeates is that we realise as people we need to start looking out for those we hold dear more closely. How would you feel if something happened to one of your friends and you had not noticed she was in trouble? Would this play on your conscience? Could you live with yourself?

And maybe it will stir further discussion into what friendship means in society today. What type of friend are you? Would you want to be friends with you regarding the way you currently look out for your friends?

As Jerry Springer would say 'take care of yourself and each other'.

Avatars vs. Friends?

So this past week I have been really out of sorts. I am usually quite a happy-go-lucky sort of person with a positive outlook. This is how I like to be and feel most comfortable being. But since my birthday I have been in a really bad mood. And just when I thought it was lifting I am starting to feel a bit annoyed again! It's like an emotional rollercoaster and I am ready to get off!

The specifics of my bad mood are irrelevant but the general feeling is one of disappointment in what I perceived certain friendships to mean.

When in a bad mood some people don't want anyone to speak to them. Some people want to be surrounded with friends. Some people want to talk it out. Usually I will keep what I am thinking inside and then do not speak about it and just work things out in my own head. But if I am to speak and express how I am feeling it is due to the fact that I want to talk things out. This time I wanted to talk.

I think friends then react differently due to the way that they want to be treated when they are in a bad mood. Like I have said before people can only create systems and beliefs based on their experiences as this is what makes their world view up, and therefore dictates their actions. But this does not necessarily always add up to the right course of action as it might not be how others want to be treated. In this case no one wanted to listen.

With me I express how I am feeling and then it is out there and done with. Once I have released that emotion I move on. This is the case usually. So this is why I think I am having a hard time at the moment as I am releasing my thoughts but still not being able to move on from the negative emotions. I think it is down to the fact that my bad feelings are to do with friendships, which is something that I hold close to my heart. I think because I am openly expressing my thoughts and disappointment but I am not getting any response from friends I am finding it hard to move away from these feelings. I am the sort of person that needs to talk things through or at least for people to truly listen and understand why I am feeling the way I am. Or perhaps even give me a different perspective so it helps alter my head space.

But as these feelings are not being discussed or resolved what is happening is it is starting to have a negative effect on these friendships. It is making me question what I though the friendships meant and were based on. And as I am questioning this I am then starting to change my feelings towards the people. It is a case of the foundations being rocked. Once this happens can the structure ever be as it was before?

As I mentioned earlier I think this is a combination of people reacting how they think they should react due to their preference of treatment and the fact we are in the digital age and that people have somewhat forgotten about human interaction and what it truly means to be a friend. I remember when I was younger friendships were a lot closer and you actually talked and hung out with each other, whereas now due to the ease of social networking people have become lazy with actual interaction and see no problem with remaining a avatar rather than a friend.

One thing that helped lift my mood yesterday was getting a phone call from a great friend from college, Sonia. There is nothing better (apart from being face-to-face when it is possible obviously!) to actually speak and talk and catch up with an old friend. To learn all about what is going on in their lives and actual be able to hear the emotions in their voice about how they really are doing. To reminisce and feel that connection between friends. The simple act of hearing each others voices enables you to actually feel the bond you have and why you are friends.

I sometimes feel that in the digital age we talk to people but do we really listen? Do you zone out when others speak whilst in your head planning what you are going to say next? The art of knowing true friendship is reveling in what the other person is saying and thinking. Wanting to spend time with them and being eager to actually know how they are. I think this is what I feel is lacking in a lot of my current friendships and is what I am longing for. This is what is making me sad and at the same time angry. The loss of that basic human connection. The human touch.

The very writing of this blog may be seen as an emotional outburst, (or being a drama-queen - something I have been accused of on more than one occasion) but as I am feeling such discontent as my expressing of feelings is not being address then I hope writing them down will dissolve them so I can go back to being who I am, and stop any further corrosion to the affected friendships. Expressing yourself might not be everyones cup of tea but it is the remedy for some people. So instead of dismissing them, or assuming they are dramatic, maybe it is time for people to start listening when people say things are wrong and also to challenge themselves to be open enough to face problems head on. I may be a drama queen but at least I deal with my emotions and feelings.

And remember the universe is not about you. Try to get back in tune with that basic human instinct of empathy. Once you start tuning back in to what it is to be human the world opens up. Your life feels more fulfilled. But once you feel this empathy does not exist it is a tad soul-destroying.

Now if only there was someone to have an actual discussion about this with! But alas instead I will submit to my peers behaviours and use the faceless Internet as my listening ear.

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down" - Anon