So this past week I have been really out of sorts. I am usually quite a happy-go-lucky sort of person with a positive outlook. This is how I like to be and feel most comfortable being. But since my birthday I have been in a really bad mood. And just when I thought it was lifting I am starting to feel a bit annoyed again! It's like an emotional rollercoaster and I am ready to get off!
The specifics of my bad mood are irrelevant but the general feeling is one of disappointment in what I perceived certain friendships to mean.
When in a bad mood some people don't want anyone to speak to them. Some people want to be surrounded with friends. Some people want to talk it out. Usually I will keep what I am thinking inside and then do not speak about it and just work things out in my own head. But if I am to speak and express how I am feeling it is due to the fact that I want to talk things out. This time I wanted to talk.
I think friends then react differently due to the way that they want to be treated when they are in a bad mood. Like I have said before people can only create systems and beliefs based on their experiences as this is what makes their world view up, and therefore dictates their actions. But this does not necessarily always add up to the right course of action as it might not be how others want to be treated. In this case no one wanted to listen.
With me I express how I am feeling and then it is out there and done with. Once I have released that emotion I move on. This is the case usually. So this is why I think I am having a hard time at the moment as I am releasing my thoughts but still not being able to move on from the negative emotions. I think it is down to the fact that my bad feelings are to do with friendships, which is something that I hold close to my heart. I think because I am openly expressing my thoughts and disappointment but I am not getting any response from friends I am finding it hard to move away from these feelings. I am the sort of person that needs to talk things through or at least for people to truly listen and understand why I am feeling the way I am. Or perhaps even give me a different perspective so it helps alter my head space.
But as these feelings are not being discussed or resolved what is happening is it is starting to have a negative effect on these friendships. It is making me question what I though the friendships meant and were based on. And as I am questioning this I am then starting to change my feelings towards the people. It is a case of the foundations being rocked. Once this happens can the structure ever be as it was before?
As I mentioned earlier I think this is a combination of people reacting how they think they should react due to their preference of treatment and the fact we are in the digital age and that people have somewhat forgotten about human interaction and what it truly means to be a friend. I remember when I was younger friendships were a lot closer and you actually talked and hung out with each other, whereas now due to the ease of social networking people have become lazy with actual interaction and see no problem with remaining a avatar rather than a friend.
One thing that helped lift my mood yesterday was getting a phone call from a great friend from college, Sonia. There is nothing better (apart from being face-to-face when it is possible obviously!) to actually speak and talk and catch up with an old friend. To learn all about what is going on in their lives and actual be able to hear the emotions in their voice about how they really are doing. To reminisce and feel that connection between friends. The simple act of hearing each others voices enables you to actually feel the bond you have and why you are friends.
I sometimes feel that in the digital age we talk to people but do we really listen? Do you zone out when others speak whilst in your head planning what you are going to say next? The art of knowing true friendship is reveling in what the other person is saying and thinking. Wanting to spend time with them and being eager to actually know how they are. I think this is what I feel is lacking in a lot of my current friendships and is what I am longing for. This is what is making me sad and at the same time angry. The loss of that basic human connection. The human touch.
The very writing of this blog may be seen as an emotional outburst, (or being a drama-queen - something I have been accused of on more than one occasion) but as I am feeling such discontent as my expressing of feelings is not being address then I hope writing them down will dissolve them so I can go back to being who I am, and stop any further corrosion to the affected friendships. Expressing yourself might not be everyones cup of tea but it is the remedy for some people. So instead of dismissing them, or assuming they are dramatic, maybe it is time for people to start listening when people say things are wrong and also to challenge themselves to be open enough to face problems head on. I may be a drama queen but at least I deal with my emotions and feelings.
And remember the universe is not about you. Try to get back in tune with that basic human instinct of empathy. Once you start tuning back in to what it is to be human the world opens up. Your life feels more fulfilled. But once you feel this empathy does not exist it is a tad soul-destroying.
Now if only there was someone to have an actual discussion about this with! But alas instead I will submit to my peers behaviours and use the faceless Internet as my listening ear.
"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down" - Anon
No comments:
Post a Comment